Childbearing Sensitivity

I love my friends. I love them a zillion times more when they ask me questions. This question comes from a wonderful young woman who has one of the most adorable little babies I've ever laid eyes on. I know she has friends who have been attempting to conceive for varying lengths of time, and I also know it can be difficult to balance sensitivity toward those who are struggling in that department, and excitement over your precious miracle. Thus, she has posed the following question:

"How can couples who have children be sensitive and supportive to couples who have not had children yet but are trying?"

Wow. Before beginning, I will mention that I am in the unique position of both having a child whilst not having a child, and trying to conceive. Please keep in mind that this is the mindset and level of experience from which my answer comes.

Imagine, please, that you and your husband have decided you want to add a baby to your budding family. At first, it's all fun and giggles. You think something along the lines of 'It can't be that hard to get a baby if a bunch of random people who don't even want kids can do it on accident.' Then a month passes. Two. Then it's three or four, and, if you haven't been crying about your cycle before, now you are. Maybe there's a month where your cycle comes late, or you feel those tell-tale pregnancy signs, only to be let down again when your cycle suddenly decides to show. It feels like a cruel joke. You might even start to wonder if you and your spouse are even capable of conceiving together, and what if you're the problem?

Putting it frankly, trying to conceive sucks. Once you do conceive, no matter how long it took you, you become one of the "others" to those who are still trying. We love you, and we desperately try to support and be happy for you, but you have what we want. For those who are continuing to face that harsh red feeling of failure each month, even looking at you can be painful. The same goes for pictures of your adorable baby bump or your new bundle of joy. It gets even more difficult when you delve into the area of those who have lost a child, whether through miscarriage or otherwise, because we keep track. We may not always talk about it, but our loss doesn't fully leave our minds, and your success only reminds us of it. We see your however-old baby, and think about how our child might have compared at that same age. We see what we're missing, and yearn to have it for ourselves.

This is one of those circumstances where the cliche "It's not you, it's me" really does hold true. For those who have or are expecting children, please believe me when I say you did absolutely nothing wrong. Deep, deep down we are extremely happy for you, and admire your little ones. We want to hold and cuddle them... and take them home, and call them ours. There's the problem.

Here's where it gets tricky: everyone is different. For me, I struggle every week in church because there's a little girl only a week younger than my daughter would be. I see her in cute outfits, see her mother holding her and walking around with her, and see other people getting to love on her cute little self too. However, I have yet to approach them, and often find myself avoiding them (and eye contact) whatsoever. I have no problem with mother or baby - they just bring up painful memories for me. The first time I saw a dear friend's baby girl, I emotionally couldn't hold her, and ended up crying on the way home. (I now wish to hold her, though, and can't wait to see them again!) I have less of an aversion to baby boys, probably because my little one was a girl. For another friend of mine who has had trouble carrying to term, she struggles with seeing pregnant women in general. It just depends.

The best suggestion I can come up with would be to talk to your friends who are trying to conceive. They will most likely appreciate your concern, and let you know where their personal sensitivities lie. Offer to let them hold your baby, if that's something which will make them feel good. Let them know you love them. Pray for them and their future children. Initiate contact, because it may be difficult for them to do so. If you have happy baby news or excitement to share in a group where they are present, make an effort to talk to them individually, perhaps even ahead of time.

Most of all, though, enjoy your baby. There's very little more annoying than wanting a child more than anything, and seeing others who don't appreciate what they've been given. It's okay to post pictures and talk about exciting benchmarks your child has reached. When you're up late at night, dead-tired and annoyed you have to change their diaper, keep in mind that there are people all around you who would gladly do your job.  If you're already concerned about being sensitive to those who are trying to conceive, you're already on the right track.

Remember: We love you, and we want you to succeed. Please help us remain close to you, regardless of our struggles in childbearing.

Thanks again for a fabulous question! It was nice to talk about a topic which has been on my mind a lot as of late. Have any more suggestions? Feel free to add them in the comments!

Sincerely,
Lora.