Perspective

This post does not come from my musings, or a question I received. Rather, I found it on a friend's page and thought it contained some wonderful and humbling lessons. I felt something similar when dealing with our daughter's diagnosis (my experiences with her can be read here), although I can only imagine what she has been going through facing this particular experience. Please read and keep this family in your prayers, as her husband has since passed away.

"Before I share Jordon's latest update, I hope you won't mind if I indulge a little bit. Lately, a matter has weighed heavily on my mind. I believe in faith and trusting in the Lord's will, but I struggled with knowing if my faith in the Lord's will and what I hoped/believed to happen actually aligned with the Lord's will. As many of you know, my sweetheart was diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer shortly after our marriage five years ago.

His diagnosis came as a result of a grand-mal seizure, caused by a massive brain tumor. While the EMTs worked to save my sweet husband's life and stop the seizure, I went into a back bedroom and poured my heart out to the Lord. I was scared and didn't know what was wrong, but I knew that whatever it was, it was very serious. I also knew that I was not strong enough to carry this burden and concern, whatever it would turn out to be, on my own.

I asked the Lord to help me through whatever journey was ahead, and to give me peace. As I prayed and turned my concerns over to the Lord, I felt a warm peace wash over me and the enormous weight of worry was lifted from my shoulders. The spirit whispered to my heart that all would be well, that my sweetheart would be okay, Heavenly Father knew exactly what He was doing.

As I followed the ambulance to the hospital, I continued to pray for my sweetheart, and was again reassured that all would be well. When the emergency room physician showed me the cause of the seizure (a tumor the size of a grown man's fist), and explained the gravity of the situation, I began to panic and fear begin to rise, but was again calmed by a sweet peace that all would be well, it was in the Lord's hands. As the days and months, and years passed, I relied heavily on those feelings of peace and the promise that all would be well.

I have often thought of that night over the past 5 years, as we have experienced the highs and extreme lows that accompany a loved one battling cancer. I have been reassured many times that my sweet husband would be fine, and all was well. My simple, mortal mind clung to the reassuring phrase that "all would be well", my husband would be okay, while doctors and science blatantly pointed that my husband was not well, and all was not okay.

It is almost comical how mortal minds cling to finite thoughts, instead of infinite possibilities. With my simple mind, I at one point believed that the promise that all would be well meant that my husband would be magically cured of his cancer, and while he has indisputably proved the doctor's wrong time and time again, there has yet to be a miraculous curing take place within his body. He still continues to battle cancer, yet I knew, and still know, that all will be well, it is in the Lord's hands.

God, in his wonderful and infinite wisdom, has blessed man with a glorious and wonderfully powerful imagination. It is that imagination that allows us to dream, hope, plan, and achieve what science deems impossible. Out of imagination, incredible discoveries, inventions, and technological advances have been born, in spite of the world saying it can't be done. It is that imagination that allows us to hope for the impossible.

Just as our imagination has the ability to dream the impossible, our imagination also has the ability to vividly imagine worse-case and faith debilitating "what-if" scenarios. Satan knows the power of the imagination, and, if we are not careful, will lead it to run wild with the negativity.

In a moment of mortal weakness, I gave into the "what-if" thoughts and allowed Satan to run rampant with my imagination of doom and gloom. On that particular day, my husband's doctor had been quite candid regarding my husband's statistics and chances. Instead of relying on the knowledge that all would be well, my mind dwelled on statistics scientific "knowledge", and phrases from the doctors that all was not well, at least according to science. I immediately conjured up worst case scenarios in my head and began to spiral into a pool of doubt, grief, and self-pity. In those moments, I gained a better understanding of what the mists of darkness may have been like, the hopelessness swirling around me. The uncontrollable spiral was terrifying and something I don't ever want to feel again.

By divine intervention, in my mind flashed a glimmer of my faith and my hope, my Savior kneeling in Gethsemane suffering exactly what I was suffering mentally and emotionally so he would know how to help me, Wendi Mott, at that VERY instance. Once my mind and heart grasped that light, that iron rod, I clung to it, and it only grew brighter in my heart until I was overwhelmingly filled with peace and a knowledge of my Savior's love, our Father in Heaven's love, for both me and my sweet husband. I allowed it to change my heart, and my mind again began to imagine the wonderful and impossible, rather than the negative. I also came to realize that what I had hoped for from the beginning was that the Lord's will be done, whatever it may be. The very thought now, brings a sweet sensation of peace and understanding of what my spirit has clung to the entire time, even in spite of my body and brain flittering to thoughts of scientific reason.

That night too, plays over in my head. I have a testimony of God's love. I have faith in our Heavenly Father's will and plans for us. I have faith that we will and currently are witnessing miracles in our lives, and my sweetheart is a miracle, a daily witness of God's love for me.

With all of that being said, I would like to share Jordon's latest status update. His doctor's finally were able to come and talk with us regarding the results of his MRI. The MRI showed continuing slow growth, nothing drastic, however the news that followed shortly was drastic. Jordon's oncologist has decided to stop all chemotherapy treatment and is arranging for hospice. The OKN-007 was the last effort, medically possible.

Please don't think me naive, depressed or in denial, but when I heard those words, I did not cry, as one might expect. I admit I became extremely angry. Not anger at God, but more toward the very unattached, almost cold way, Jordon’s doctor had delivered the news. However, I cannot judge that man. Every week, if not daily, he has to deliver very hard news, and in his effort to cope and protect himself from extreme emotional turmoil he is constantly subject to, he has to be very matter of fact, very black and white. At some point between letting the words sick in, and my feelings of anger coming and going, I again had the reassuring peace fill my being: God is fully aware of what is going on, all will be well. Jordon has a purpose on this earth and a special mission to fulfill.

I firmly believe that each of us have a mission here on the earth, some have very long missions, others very short. I also know that only God knows when our mission is complete. Upon hearing the doctors words, a very powerful phrase came to my mind; a very wise man once said, "Cancer is not a death sentence, rather an opportunity to view life from a different perspective". That wise man was my dear father, whose cancer battle ended almost 2 years ago. Just as Cancer is not a death sentence, so too was Dr. Colman's declaration of stopping treatment. This is not a death sentence. It is an opportunity, a gift from the Lord to grow and gain understanding and eternal insight from a different, albeit sometimes painful, perspective. Who are we, as mere mortals to immediately declare death sentences? That power alone lies with our Supreme Father in Heaven.

I invite you to participate in this new perspective that Jordon and I have been blessed with. I invite you to pray for inspiration in what lessons are to be learned. I also invite you to fast and pray this Sunday with sincere heart that our Heavenly Father's will be done. That we may all be wonderful instruments in the hands of an infinitely kind and loving Father in Heaven, who has allowed for us to climb this mountain, and the glorious perspective and view we will have from the top.

I know very matter-of-factly that our merciful and all-powerful Father could have easily moved this spiritual mountain, as was done with physical mountains in Biblical stories. I am humbled and grateful, however, that our loving Father knew the opportunities for growth and understanding this mountain would provide. We love you all, and again, thank you for allowing me to indulge tonight. My heart was overflowing, and I wanted to share a little of my learning with this perspective."